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Mailbag

I love to hear from my fans! Here are a few questions I've received recently.

Dear Bambi-Lyn,

You have brought meaning and purpose into my lonely life. Before I discovered your work in "Witch Hunt" and "Death Bitch IX", I had no reason to go on: I'd lost my job, my wife divorced me and took our children, my dog died, and I dented the front bumper of my '67 Vette. Then, like a miracle, I saw one of your movies at the video store and I felt reborn. Your beauty and intelligence gives me hope that life can get better, even though my herpes is flaring up again and I've developed a horrible case of adult acne. It would make me the happiest man on earth if you would be so kind as to send me an autographed picture of yourself, so I can cherish it as a reminder that there is still beauty and kindness and generosity in this world. Thank you so much.

Your devoted fan, Arnold

Dear Arnold,

How sweet of you to say. Send $5 to my fan club and I'll send an autographed picture. Keep on smiling!

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Dear Bambi-Lyn (if that is your REAL name),

I think you are an embarrassment to the female gender. How can you flash your breasts in every movie you're in, and have the gall to announce that you are an 'artist'? In my opinion, you are nothing more than a glorified prostitute! I am a real actress, having studied at Yale Drama and worked for years on Broadway, and I have to say that your existence cheapens the profession.

An angry (but REAL) actress


Dear Angry,

This is one of the things that breaks my heart, to know that my profound beauty and talent cannot reach someone as miserable and failed as yourself. I can only hope that you find some small measure of happiness in your pathetic, lonely life and that the next time you see me at a movie premiere, wearing a designer gown and dripping with jewels and gorgeous men, you won't hate yourself too much. Keep on smiling!

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Dear Bambi-Lyn,

I love you. I want you to bear my children. I can't live without you. Every day of my life is spent furthering your name and cheerleading your career. You are my light and my hope and my future. I can't live without you. How can I get to know you better?

Brent


Dear Brent,

You silly boy! You're so sweet. Join my fan club ($30 per year in the US) and you can keep up on all my current news and gossip. Keep on smiling!